In a world where side hustles are the norm and avocado toast is a luxury, traditional life milestones find themselves lost in the shuffle. They’re reaching out, hoping to connect with a generation navigating a drastically different landscape than their predecessors. This article explores these ‘missed connections’ with a humorous twist, highlighting the challenges and changing priorities of millennial adulthood.
Moving Out: An Empty Nest Egg
Me: Exciting, liberating, and full of possibilities — I’m the expected age that you’d move out of your parent’s house.
You: Fresh out of undergrad, on your way to your eleventh job interview that month. I caught a glimpse of you at the Dunkin’ downtown, dusting powdered sugar off the too-big church slacks you borrowed from your mom. I can’t stop thinking about you. I dream of a future for us where your growth isn’t stunted by the Nation’s economic circumstances. Get in touch.
Career Choice: Passion vs. Predictability
Me: I’m the full-time career choice that could set you up for traditional success! Well-dressed, impressive, and linear, I guarantee your parents would love me if you brought me home.
You: An overworked and under-paid dog-walker/barista/house cleaner being drug down 51st Street by seven different kinds of doodles. I know you’re probably “focusing on your passion” of being an art therapist for wayward cats, but I have a lot to offer a girl like you. Call me and I’ll show you how fun a financially stable, predictable future can be.
Marriage: The Everlasting Question
Me: The time-honored tradition of throwing a giant party, getting relatives who hate each other in the same room, and alerting your social circles and the IRS to your love and commitment. That’s right, baby, I’m marriage!
You: A woman in a committed, long-term, cohabiting relationship, lacking the resources for a wedding, even if you wanted one. You and I both know your mother, sister, and Cindy from work won’t stop asking about me. Ever. I promise people will bring me up for the rest of your life if you don’t just give in. You know where to find me.
Homeownership: A Zillow Stalker’s Confession
Me: Not too big, not too small, tastefully put together with a perfect floor plan, I’m a quaint three-bedroom, one-and-a-half-bath updated colonial in the suburbs.
You: A haggard brunette working four jobs to pay your rent in a one-bedroom city apartment you share with three roommates. Did you think I wouldn’t notice you staring at me from across the street last week? I know you bookmarked my Zillow page and peep at me every night before you go to bed. Maybe my interest rates aren’t what you’re looking for, but we both know your interest is piqued. See you on Zillow.
Biological Clock: The Ticking Time Bomb
Me: I saw you in a coffee shop uptown but I don’t think you noticed me: Your Biological Clock, a strong but waning presence.
You: A pragmatic woman with a sad face, full of ambition and caffeine. I wanted to say something to you but you were on a call and I didn’t want to be rude. I’ll be around the neighborhood for a while, but I can’t wait forever. Is a commitment from you too much to ask for? I just wanna talk.
Motherhood: Having It All?
Me: Big-haired, crazy-eyed, and just A LOT, I’m motherhood AND the career of your dreams!
You: Deliberately choosing not to “have it all”. All I have to say to you is: WHY?! You could have raised two children and worked full-time while your husband did no household labor and was mediocre at his job that paid twice as much as yours! You could have chosen me and had a perfectly fine divorce and kids who need a lot of therapy by now and you gave it all up!? Why?!
Pension Plan: A Retirement Dream Deferred
Me: Reliable, comfortable, and safe, I’m the pension plan that was available in a small percentage of fields you were qualified for. I know this is a long shot, and I don’t want to sound desperate, but I think we could have had a great time together. I could give you a chance at a reasonable retirement age, and let you do some of that traveling you’ve been holding off on. I don’t know how to find you now — am I foolish to think there’s still a chance? Or is your plan still to work until you die?
These ‘missed connections’ offer a humorous yet poignant reflection on the shifting priorities and economic realities facing millennials. While traditional milestones may seem out of reach or out of sync with modern life, this generation is redefining success on their own terms. The pursuit of passion, flexibility, and personal fulfillment often takes precedence over conventional achievements, leading to a new narrative of adulthood.
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