I can solve a quadratic equation, recite from memory that the mitochondrion is the “powerhouse of the cell,” and even say “thank you” in five different languages. But for some reason, every time I hear words like “deductible,” “interest rate,” or “retirement plan,” I feel the urge to curl up in a ball and cry in the darkest corner of my house.
So yes, it’s time to face the truth: we were thrown into adulthood with a backpack full of useless trivia and not a single clue on how to survive without ruining our finances, our homes, or our dignity. The solution? A mandatory course on How Not to Die as an Adult.
Here’s the syllabus for this much-needed educational program that, unfortunately, does not exist… but absolutely should.
Module 1: Basic Finances for Making It Through the Month
Also known as “How to Stop Living in Fear of Your Bank Statement”. This module covers crucial topics such as:
- Paycheck Management I and II: Beginner level: learning how to make money last more than five days. Advanced level: understanding that your daily Starbucks coffee is a silent assassin for your bank account.
- Deductibles 101: Because paying for insurance is fine, but paying without understanding why? Not so much.
- Credit and Debt: A Horror Story: Learn how to avoid becoming a slave to your credit card and why “minimum payment” is a term straight from the underworld.
Final exam: Calculate how many fancy coffees you need to sacrifice per month to afford car insurance. Bonus points if you can do it without crying.
Module 2: Household Chores That Act Like Toxic Bosses
Things nobody told us: laundry doesn’t do itself, bills don’t magically get paid, and dishes don’t disappear if you ignore them long enough. In this module, we confront harsh realities with subjects like:
- Washing Machine 101: How to Avoid Turning Your Clothes Into Doll-Sized Versions.
- The Mystery of the Vanishing Tupperware: A deep dive into the phenomenon of lunch containers that enter the office and never return. We’ll also explore advanced strategies for “borrowing” other people’s containers with dignity.
- Cooking Without Disaster: Because We Want to Eat, Not Burn the House Down. We’ll learn to identify the exact point when rice goes from “almost done” to “charcoal,” how to avoid electrocuting ourselves with the blender, and why frozen pizza is not a food group.
Final exam: Prepare a meal without calling emergency services or ending up ordering takeout.
Module 3: Health and Self-Care to Avoid Looking Like a Castaway
Yes, sleeping four hours, surviving on coffee, and sitting like a shrimp in an office chair for eight hours are all bad ideas. Who knew?
- Sleep Is Important: No, Really. Because if you still say “I function better with little sleep,” nobody believes you.
- Exercise: How to Move Without Looking Like a Store Mannequin. Learn that being able to climb stairs without gasping is also a sign of functional adulthood.
- Going to the Doctor Before You’re on the Brink of Death. Because Google is not a reliable doctor, and “I have a headache” doesn’t always mean a brain tumor.
Final exam: Schedule a medical appointment without waiting six months and without self-diagnosing imaginary diseases.
Module 4: Human Relationships Without Causing Disasters
Adulthood also means knowing how to communicate without accidentally offending half the planet. That’s why this module is essential.
- How to Survive Family Gatherings Without Arguing With Your Conspiracy-Theorist Uncle. Advanced techniques for changing the subject and how to pretend the turkey is more interesting than politics.
- Work Emails That Don’t Make You Sound Like a Psychopath. Because not every email needs a “Best regards” nor a “Good morning, I hope you’re having a wonderful week full of prosperity and joy.”
- Making Friends as an Adult: Mission Impossible. Learn how to schedule coffee dates with friends that never happen and how to say “let’s catch up soon” convincingly.
Final exam: Reply to messages without leaving people on “read” for three weeks.
Module 5: Paperwork and Bureaucracy: The Ultimate Survival Test
Here, we take on the wild jungle of government offices.
- Making Bank Appointments Without Losing Your Sanity. Because nothing says “adulthood” like wrestling with an online booking system.
- Understanding Your Pay Stub Without Crying. A tour through those mysterious terms like “tax withholding,” “social security,” and “voluntary contributions” that sound like spells from an ancient language.
- Tax Filing: Don’t Cry, You Can Do It. Spoiler: you can’t. But at least we’ll learn to suffer with dignity.
Final exam: Successfully book a tax office appointment without losing faith in humanity.
This course should be mandatory in high school. Instead of teaching us how to calculate the area of an isosceles triangle, we could be learning how to fill out a tax form without feeling like we’re in a horror movie. But what do we know? We’re just adults trying not to mess up our lives every day.
Anyway, if any university wants to take this idea and turn it into a real course, I’m signing up for the first semester. And I’m sure I won’t be alone.
Recommended book
Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 535 Easy(ish) Steps by Kelly Williams Brown.
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