Imagine surprising your 16-year-old with their first car, only to be met with disappointment instead of gratitude. This scenario highlights a common challenge in parenting teenagers: managing expectations and fostering meaningful communication. Teenagers are developing their sense of self and learning to voice their preferences, making it crucial for parents to adapt their approach.
This article delves into the complexities of teaching teenagers beyond surface-level gratitude. We’ll explore the importance of open dialogue, understanding their developmental stage, and preparing them for responsible adulthood. By addressing these key areas, parents can cultivate a stronger connection with their teens and equip them with valuable life skills.
We will cover expectation versus dialogue, combining fantasies and expectations, and lessons beyond a ‘beater’ first car. By exploring these topics, we can better equip parents to foster a healthy relationship with their teenagers.
Expectation Vs. Dialog
Parenting a teenager is hard work. Teenagers can seem like emotional rollercoasters, making you wonder what happened to your sweet agreeable child and who is this confrontational monster in your living room.
In reality, teenagers are discovering their sense of agency, and their preferences, and learning how to have a voice of their own. It’s perfectly normal for your teenager to disagree with you, but if you’re not ready or don’t like being challenged, it can come as quite a shock. “My roof, my rules” parents tend to struggle more with this phase of development, and their tendency to put their foot down makes confrontations even more explosive.
For most parents, having a child is a dream come true. The anticipation and the planning that precedes every birth give rise to a number of expectations. From whether they’ll look more like Mom or Dad to their personality, preferences, and what they’ll grow up to become: every detail is open for speculation as well as expectation.
To keep their child safe, parents work hard. They provide without offering much explanation about where the money comes from and what they have to do to get it. Children know their parents go to work, but they often don’t know what that really means. They often don’t know why their family won’t shop at certain stores, or only eat out on special occasions. When they get that big, expensive Christmas present, they’re excited about the toy but have no clue what it actually costs their parents.
Gratitude can be modeled by example. If you display gratitude in front of your children, they become familiar with what it looks and feels like. As your child grows up, however, they begin to grasp more nuanced and complicated concepts than simply accepting whatever they’re offered with a smile.
Let’s get back to the first car example. Putting time and effort into surprising someone only to see the look of disappointment in their eyes isn’t fun for anyone. No matter how much of a beater it might be, a car is a big present. The expectation when it comes to a present like this is gratitude, not rebellion. However, regardless of how well parents have modeled gratitude, teenagers know that adults exchange presents they dislike, or simply keep them stored deep in a drawer somewhere and never wear or use them. Liking a gift and being grateful for the effort behind it are two separate things.
Combining Fantasies and Expectations
Deciding to work extra shifts, cut down on expenses, and save money to buy your teenager a surprise car is a noble thing to do, but it’s a unilateral decision. If your teenager isn’t aware of the sacrifices you’re making or has no idea why it matters so much that a car is paid off instead of financed or leased, the significance of the gesture might be lost on her.
Furthermore, choosing a car you think it’s good enough and surprising your kid is to impose your fantasy and expectation of what this milestone should mean to both you and them. You created a story in your head of how much your kid wanted her first car and how it would feel like for you to swoop in and make her dream come true, like a superhero. She should be grateful for whatever she gets, you think. On another hand, she might have created her own story of what that moment would look like, and although it might not have been based on anything remotely close to what your family can afford, it was still her fantasy.
Psychoanalyst Erik Erikson’s eight stages of psychosocial development place adolescence as the stage where identity is formed. It’s the stage where limits are tested, where likes and dislikes are defined, as well as what’s an appropriate role for the teenager to assume. In this developmental stage, children need support from their parents through intense communication, where both child and parent express themselves fully and honestly.
According to Erikson’s theory, each developmental stage influences the next, and thus anything that’s not properly addressed in each stage is lacking in the next. In each stage, the individual must wrestle between opposing tendencies: a syntonic, or positive; and a dystonic, or negative. These tendencies must, to some extent, balance each other. In adolescence, the syntonic tendency is identity cohesion and the dystonic tendency is role confusion. Therefore, parents should continue to guide their child through life (a child can’t be left to fend for herself, otherwise she’s assuming a role that belongs to her parents), but parents shouldn’t stand in the way of healthy identity formation and expression.
The expectation that your teenager should put her head down and simply accept whatever she’s offered is to close the door on communication. It’s to deny her the chance to develop a strong sense of self, and her right to be involved in big-picture decisions, such as buying a car. As nice as the idea of surprising someone with a car might be, involving your teenager in these kinds of decisions provides valuable life lessons. Starting a year or two before the big milestone 16th birthday, you can look at cars together so you’re both aware of what kind of car you can get for a certain amount of money. You can then tell your kid exactly how much your budget is, and allow them to work and save so they can bridge the gap between your budget and their dream car (or an affordable version of their dream car).
Lessons Beyond a Beater First Car
Preparing your teenager to become a responsible adult is a complicated task, and it goes beyond offering a blank directive to smile and “be grateful.” Gratitude is necessary and powerful, but so is knowing yourself, and knowing what it takes to make big life decisions, such as a big purchase that can not only impact your daily life but your prospects.
Parents should take every opportunity to have age-appropriate conversations with their children about what everyday life looks like. They should discuss income, budgets, and long-term financial planning; and not believe for one second that since they know the value of their hard-earned money, their kids will intuitively grasp it as well.
Preparing your kid for adulthood requires you to look beyond your fantasies and expectations and ask yourself what they need to learn, not what you need to feel.
In conclusion, teaching teenagers goes beyond instilling gratitude. It involves fostering open communication, understanding their developmental needs, and preparing them for the responsibilities of adulthood. By managing expectations and involving them in decision-making processes, parents can help their teenagers develop a strong sense of self and the skills needed to navigate life’s challenges.
The key takeaways from this article are that communication is crucial, teenagers need support in forming their identity, and financial literacy is an essential life skill. By implementing these principles, parents can move beyond the surface level of gratitude and equip their teens with the tools they need to thrive.
Ultimately, parenting teenagers requires a shift in perspective. It’s about guiding them towards independence while providing the necessary support and guidance. By embracing open dialogue and understanding their needs, parents can foster a healthy and fulfilling relationship with their teens.
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